"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall"-Confucious

It's October. For some this means falling leaves, pumpkins, halloween, cooler  weather, football, fall, school really settling in. For me it means hope. When some people thinkk of October they think of orange, red, yellow and brown. I think pink.

October is breast cancer awareness month. Before 2008, this didn't really mean all too much. I knew breast cancer was a problem, but I never gave it much though. But that all changed in August 2008. That month, my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I was 14, and I just knew this was going to be the worst thing that would ever happen to me. I was so upset and confused, and I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to. Until, I realized that it wasn't about me. It was about my mom. She was going through so much more. She had to get surgery, and go through chemo which caused a PE. It was her I talked to, and I knew my job was to make her life easier and cheer her up. I went to Chemo's with her and saw even more people with cancer. I feel so lucky that my mom's cancer was stage 0-1. It was completely curable. Some other women aren't that lucky. I think it's important to raise awareness and raise money for research. 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer! That's A LOT! You can do so much to help.

Go to:
http://ww5.komen.org/ and find something you can do. I participate in the race every year now, and its an amazing experience. This year, I'm getting a breast cancer awareness week started at my school! Every little thing helps. My heart goes out to everyone who's lives have been affected by breast cancer.

Books

Yeah, I have writer's block, so I'm just going to make a list of books I've read. It'll probably be updated when I think of more books. I just really love reading because it brings you into this completely different world. (G) means I read it in German.

• Harry Potter 1-4(G)
• Harry Potter 5-7
• Just Listen
• Lock and Key
• The Truth About Forever
• The Time Traveler's Wife
• The Blind Side
• Nickle and Dimed
• Atonement
• Bloomability
• Twilight
• New Moon
• Eclipse
• Breaking Dawn
• The Host
• Gone with the Wind
• Little House on the Prairie series
• The Chronicles of Narnia
• Night
• Into Thin Air
• The Lovely Bones(G)
• The Reader(G)
• Blue Bloods
• Masquerade
• Revelations
• Van Alen Legacy
• Laura series(G)
• Rubinrot(G)
• The Thief Lord
• Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants series
• Cecilie
• Find a Stranger Say Goodbye
• My Sisters Keeper
• To Kill a Mockingbird
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower
• The Clique
• Running out of Time
• The View from Saturday
• The Egypt Game
• Kathleen
• The Lace Reader
• The Notebook(G)
• Dear John(G)
• The Last Song
• Heretics Daughter
• The Giver
• Gathering Blue
• The Messenger
• The Watsons go to Birmingham
• Loving Frank
• Water for Elephants
• Sarah's Key
• Animal Farm

If you've read any of these, I'd love to discuss them.

"I wish my life was like an 80's movie."-Easy A

Yeah so I saw "Easy A" on Friday. It was really good actually. Usually, when I like movies, but they weren't like "Holy shit, that deserves an Oscar." I just say... It was cute. No this time I can genuinely say it was good. Just reread that, and that doesn't make any sense, but I'm running of one hour of sleep in almost 24 hours, so just work with me. A lot of movies that I say were "cute" are ones that I wish I was in. With this movie, I can honestly say I wouldn't really want to be her. I mean, it's funny, but she was basically an outcast most of the movie. I would absolutely love to be her towards the end though. That's where her life actually is like an 80's movie. Super hot guy comes to her house on a riding mower and carries a boom box over his head. Hot guy in question is Penn Badgley. Oh my God is he hot or what? I hate sounding like a typical teenage girl, but I am one, and a HUGE part of my life revolves around boys. There were other cute guys in question in this movie...like 2 others. That's not a lot for a movie, but sadly, that's more than at my school....
Really what I wanted to focus on was how life is never like an 80's movie or any movie for that matter. There's not a bunch of hot guys everywhere, the girl and boy don't always end up together in the end, and high school isn't as cliquey as they make it seem. For once, I would really like to get the hot guy and have a movie relationship with him. Maybe something like "Dear John" or "The Last Song" or anything by Nicholas Sparks. Even though there's a heartbreaking part in those where the person just doesn't know how they'll go on without the love of their lives, but I want that! I want to be that in love. The tragic breakups and getting back together just makes it more amazing. I would even settle for a relationship from those teen movies. In real life, only a few people are that in love in High School, and hardly anyone has a movie like relationship. Then again, maybe once you are so in love, you feel like you're in a movie, and you stop dreaming of fairytales because you're in one. I want that someday.
Actually I did want to just review he movie and naturally got distracted with my pathetic life. Like I said, I really liked it, but I feel like Emma Stone seemed a bit too old to be in High School. It was cool to see Amanda Bynes be in a movie again, but she doesn't look very healthy. I absolutely loved Olive's(main character) family. They may just have been the funniest people in the movie. One thing that really made me feel good as that Olive/Emma Stone had a small chest! Like my size or smaller. You always see girls with huge boobs in movies, and it's nice to see someone who looks a bit more like me. Olive's friend, Ri/Ally Michalka, on the other hand was again very chesty. If you haven't seen a trailer, here's the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2MMzzpcSeMc

“'We all have fears,' he said. 'We all have fears.” -The Blindside(book)

Everyone has fears, and since I had an uneventful(but really good) day, I decided that I would just make a list of everything I'm afraid of. Some of them are serious fears, and others you may think are silly, but here they are:

1.Dying: Everyone always says that dying is the easy part, but it really scares me! What if no one misses me? What if there isn't an actual heaven? What happens? It worries me so much because nothing's for sure! I'm just the type of person who likes to know what's going to happen with everything.

2.Failing: I think this is a normal fear to have. I have planned out so much for my future, and I'm really worried that I won't accomplish everything. I would be so crushed if that were to happen. I really want to succeed, and I work so hard, but anything could happen. I could end up with none of the things I thought I would have.

3.Rejection: It's somewhat self-explanatory. I have been rejected before, but it's been on a small scale. I don't think I would be able to handle a huge rejection. The small ones have already sent me into a bad funk.

4.Never finding Love: I know I'm just in High School, so it's normal not to find the love of your life. But I am so worried that I'll never find the person I am meant to be with. Love is so important to me, and I just think that my life won't be complete till I find someone to share it with.

5.Not choosing the right path: I'm so young, but I'm pretty much planning my life out already. What if it's really not what I want? What do I do then? With college starting in two years, I feel so much pressure to know what I want to do and to choose something achievable. I've been saying that I want to be a special-ed teacher for so long, but I really don't know if that's what I want. It doesn't help that everyone always says, "Wow that's so great", "I can really see you doing that.", "That's the perfect job for you."

6.Mirrors in dark bathrooms: This originated back from when I was younger. You know how you would be told that if you spin in front of the mirror in a dark bathroom and say "Bloody Mary" three times, supposedly a ghost would appear in the mirror. I'm sure there are different variations, but I was always such a wimp and never did it. Maybe if I had, I would realized it isn't true, and I wouldn't be scared. But I am. So I always have to stick my hand in first to turn on the light.

7. Something hiding under my bed: Yeah, yeah, I know I'm sixteen, but I'm still scared of the "boogyman" or whatever you want to call the thing that hides underneath the bed. It's not necessarily a monster, but it could be a person too. I'm fine when the lights are on, but if they're off, I have to jump into bed from about five feet away. Also, I can't have anything hanging off the bed just in case whoever is underneath there, grabs me

8. Heights: I can go on roller coasters and fly with no problem, so it's only a small fear. But as I look down from that roller coaster, I FREAK OUT! Like I start to hyper-ventilate, and I need to close my eyes and sing to myself to distract me.

I'm sure there's more, and I might update this later, but this is all I can think of right now.

3.

"Yeah, I definitely only like Hispanic people..."-Me

That's right...that stupid quote above is sadly from me. I can't believe I said that to cute physical conditiong guy!! We're gonna start calling him CPC for short. I had a mediocre day. I woke up at a good time for once which lead to me looking halfway decent! I got to school, strolled around the third floor with my best friend. When I got to AP Us History however, my mood went down slightly. Nothing bad really happened, but I was sooooooooo tired! The president videos usually make me sleepy, but today I almost passed out! And it didn't stop after the video. I was on the verge of falling asleep all class. Definitely need to remember my coffee tomorrow!
After APUSH, I started making my way towards AP Art History, and I happened to see HB walking in the wrong direction. He ignored me until I stopped and asked him where he was going. What the freak happened?! Things were going great! Am I getting too clingy all of a sudden? Ugh. However, then I ran into CPC! Well, first I saw him, but he didn't say anything, so I decided to play it cool and walk on. When he was done talking to his friend however, he was like "All right, don't say hi." So I was like, "Well I am a snob after all." Him: "Haha, oh yeah I heard about that." Me: "yeah..." Him: "I mean you don't talk to anyone in Physical Conditioning...besides Santiago."(Do I detect slight jealousy/curiosity?!) Me:(joking) Well he is my best friend." Him:(I guess not hearing my comment.) "That's just racist!" Me: (didn't have time to answer) Him: "I mean not to me, but to everyone else in that class." Me:... Him: "You only talk to Hispanic people!" Me: "Yeah, I definitely only like Hispanic people..."(WTF?) Him: "Um well that's good."
I have no idea what this conversation means; I'm just ecstatic that he's talking to me! I know that there's no way he'd ever be interested in me. I guess he's just friendly and will talk to people if he knows them, but it feels good to have a cute guy talk to you, ya know? He really is hot.
After this my mood goes down slightly again. HB isn't technically in my Art History class. He works in a side room on AP Studio Art stuff, but the point is, he didn't talk to me at all! He looked at me, and he talked to other girls but not a word to me! And to make things worse, I lost my notes that we did for homework. It took me four hours to do, and it's gone! I was so pissed, and of course my teacher didn't really believe me. On a HB side note, he was supposed to give me a ride to this art museum thing we were going to for class on Saturday. I was planning on asking him to go to lunch before hand which would lead to a discussion about it being a date. However, he informed me yesterday that he was going two hours early to meet up with some other people(who I don't really know and they don't like me). I was welcome to come, but God knows I don't want to spend time with those girls. So I have no clue what to do!


Calculus flirtations.



Now moving on! After that I went to lunch, where I just watched over homecoming nominations. Then, I went to Physics where I beasted my test! Calculus was pretty good too. I got a 100% on my quiz, and I did some flirting with Got Cute Over Summer, now SC(summer cutie) while we did a study guide. Then I got a text from my brother saying I need to find another ride home, and guess who offered to drive me? SC:) So he drove me home in his red truck. Naturally, I hit my head while getting out of his car, but maybe that adds a cute factor?

So I managed to finish my homework in 2 1/2 hours today! I got to shower earlier and have chill time which I spent watching Grey's Anatomy. So  maybe it was more of a good day than mediocre!

"You think you cooler than me..."-Mike Posner

Soo that song has just been stuck in my head all day. I don't think it's that great of a song, but it does make me laugh at certain parts, and sometimes I like to imagine myself walking down the hall all suave, and this song is playing. Hope that doesn't sound conceited. Which reminds me, my physical conditioning(weight lifting) teacher calls me a snob now! Apparently he waved at me at the park, and I saw and looked away. I totally didn't see him, so his wife said I was stuck up, and his nickname for me is "snob". I'm not all too distraught over it, since I'm definitely not a snob. I usually consider myself a pretty down to earth person. I may be sarcastic, but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. And I would totally wave at my teachers. The real issue of the day is that I'm still in physical conditioning!! They switched me out two weeks ago into library science(even though I didn't know about it, so today would've been my first class), but then I get called to guidance. Apparently, library science is "full. I even go and beg the librarian to let me in her class, and she said she is already filled up. So when I ask one of the student, how many kids are in that class, they say 3!!!!!!!!! I understand that it needs to be a small class, but 3 fucking people?! That's such bullshit. They can handle one more person. Ugggh, it really pissed me off. Luckily, the gym teacher likes me, so he made me his teachers assistant, so all I need to do is dress out. Oooh, and I have come to realized that this one kid I know is verrry cute. So my new hobby in that class is to watch him work out(especially squats). I'm not a stalker, just honest because who wouldn't do it?! Hm, I told my one friend about it who is pretty close to him and totally forgot that they used to date...whoops!

"Never think that God's delays are God's denials."-Anon

I'm really trying to strengthen my relationship with God. My family isn't very religious, so we never went to church. Naturally, I went through a phase where I didn't believe in God as well. Then in the past two years I realized that I want to be close to Him. I've started going to church occasionally. I pray every night. But this isn't supposed to be about what I'm doing to become a better Christian, but why! I feel like I (everyone actually) gets so distracted by things that really aren't important. We try to alter the route that God has set out for us. I get so frustrated with Him sometimes. I constantly ask, "Why me??" Whenever things go wrong I turn to God which isn't a bad thing, but I should be turning to Him when things are great too! I should thank God for every thing's that going right, not just complain and pray about things that are going wrong. I always wish things were different, but I need to learn to accept the route that God has set out for me. I need to follow his way and stay on track. Everything happens for a reason. There's this quote, "Dance with God, and He'll let the perfect Man cut in." or something like that. I wish I could do that; wait for Him to let happen what I want to happen. Someday everything will go as I want it, but until then, I need to accept my life as it is. So I pray and thank God for everything that he does for me, and I ask Him to help me stay on track and help me walk with him. As for today's quote, "Never think that God's delays are God's denials.": although things may not be how I want them to be at the moment doesn't mean God doesn't know what he's doing. He is not ignoring you or denying you. He is just waiting for the right moment.