"You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..."
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"I wish I knew how to quit you."-Brokeback Mountain
Once upon a time...
there was a 14 year-old girl constantly trying to fit in, and a 16 year-old boy whom she hardly knew. The friendship came almost immediately; her love for him followed shortly. This love of course was kept silent. She watched him flirt with other girls, and she followed his lead. Their friendship didn't always come across platonic, but she knew better than to broadcast her feelings. Their third musketeer made that mistake, and they drifted. Time passed, and the boy and girl drifted as well, but always came back together somehow. They remained close friends when they talked and acquaintances when they didn't. More time passed, she seemed to have moved on and found someone new which made their relationship healthier because the tension was lifted. Her new love didn't last forever, and it was now a year later. She was a girl of 15, and he a boy of 17. She was more secure in her feelings and couldn't contain them anymore. She made the decision that changed everything; the girl told the boy she liked him. She wished it could be like a grade school note, "check the box: 'yes', 'no', or 'maybe'." It was much more complicated of course. He suggested similar feelings, but told her to wait. She was willing to oblige because this was better than she could have hoped. Her happiness didn't last because he told her shortly after he found someone different. His prom date. She was devastated, mad at him, and mad at herself. She swore to herself she'd move on and deserved better. Some time passed as did prom, and his fling ended. She had forgiven him, or so it appeared. A date was planned. A date where he never showed up. All the feelings of devastation came back, and it was the same conversation again, and again he told her to wait; the time wasn't right. And again, she swore to move on. Less time passed this time before she forgave him yet again. This time things seemed different. The dates seemed real, and he seemed to care. Things might have worked this time, but she left for a month. It gave him the perfect excuse to not commit. When she got back, she expected things to continue where they left off. She expected him to have missed her like he said he would, to call her when she entered the country like he had called when she had left. Nothing is ever like you expect it. He was distant and didn't show up like promised. Once again, she was hurt. Only, this time she was serious about ending it. No more frienship. Her friends backed her up and promised to remind her what he did whenever she needed it. She lasted until she got a text, "I need to see you!" Naturally she thought things would be different. However instead of having a magical two weeks like usual, she gets an hour. He leaves her hanging once again. School starts; she thinks she's more mature, being 16 now. They're friendship is rekindled. She tells herself to not expect anything, but he seems ready this time, and there was the prom promise. They vow to hang out, he flirts and makes promises notes. Again, things change in a blink of an eye. He doesn't want to hang out anymore. Their friendship obviously isn't a priority of his...
What an introduction, eh? Well there's basically an overview of the biggest problem in my life. We'll call him "HB" for Heart breaker. Things have been so back and forth between me and this guy. I swear I could practically graph our relationship. Maybe this way I'll be able to predict when he comes back and when he leaves. Every time things go badly, I go into a mini-depression. I'm pretty sure I'm in love. And it really SUCKS when the person you love could care less. I swear this time things will be different (i know, i know). I'm going to work on my self-confidence. I've posted things I like about myself in my room and bathroom. I don't need a guy to be happy, and I'm going to focus on school. I want to become closer to God. I say this now, but I'm pretty sure that I'll go back as soon as he shows interest again. If he does, I'm going to be straightforward one last time. I'm going to lay out the cards, and that will be the moment of truth. If he doesn't show interest then I have my new life. Win-win right?? I guess I'm hoping we do hang out soon, so I can lay it all out, and he will decide he wants to give it a shot. What can I say...I'm a wishful thinker!
My titles are usually quotes that tend to relate with what I'm writing. "I wish I knew how to quit you." HB is like a drug. I know he's bad for me, but I can't give him up.